The last I (really) blogged was in 2011!! It's not very long ago but considering the fact that I'm a person who likes to vomit out words by typing instead of saying it out... 4 years is a considerably long time. So much happened in these four years!! Hitting the big 2 this year is well, lol. These four years have been years that were spent fruitful... My life has changed so much ever since I stepped into Heart of God church.. For the better, of course!
Why I decided to go to church?
I never had any bad encounters with Christians, but neither good ones. I always thought that Christianity was a religion that was too good for me, so I've never thought of attending a church before. I went to Heart of God church once or twice when I was 13-14, but at that point I did not like the idea of being committed to something.
So life went on as usual, I was just being me – crazily loud sometimes yet still an emotional wreck. I had friends, good friends, but as a person I was never expressive. I couldn't explain my thoughts or emotions to people, even my family so eventually I just kept it inside of me. Can you imagine that feeling of being in a crowd yet your heart is so sinked in its own thoughts and emotions... I can't really describe how it feels but it's really depressing. Lol...
When I was 15 another one of my friend invited me to church. And as small as Singapore can get, it was the same church that I attended 2 years back. I wish I could say "And the rest is history", but I'm so glad that this phase of my life was just the beginning of a great future.
The people in Heart of God Church were amazing. If you saw my face back then, you'll understand why. It was black, and long. I'm pretty sure I'd be turned off by myself and rolled my eyes 1000000 times. I looked proud, acted arrogant, cool and seriously, I was quite horrible. Who will actually stare at someone and turn away after they say hi to you? Me... Though, what I honestly felt was fear, I was insecure about what and how people thought of me.
I still did not go to church regularly after that visit. I liked having fun and hated being tied to something. But one day I decided to attend church on a weekend because I was feeling extremely down due to things that happened in my family and also stress from school.
I went to church that weekend and told God that if He showed me a sign, or let me feel something, I would believe in Him. And God did. I felt peace. In the middle of all the noise and distraction I was in, I felt the weight of a rock lifted off in my heart. Twice I experienced this – the other time was when I spoiled my relatively new phone and did not dare to tell my mum. Lol. My brother told her for me and phew that moment was..... relieving. I literally "heaved a sigh of relieve" and felt the burden off my heart. And that day during service, I encountered God's peace. So I decided to give this God a try.
Life wasn't a bed of roses after I accepted Jesus, I still had my issues, I still had to face my obstacles. But I cannot thank God enough for the people He placed in my life. The people I met in church, the friends I made really changed my life.
Who would pick up my calls at 12am and hear me cry for 2h? Who would buy me food and drinks for me randomly just because I said I was craving for it? Who would be the first to appear and be there for me whenever things happened in my family? Who would give me money because I had none and wasn't able to support myself? Who would carry me on their hearts and guide me whenever I did not know where to go – choosing a school, what to do in life etc?
The list could go on and on and on... But my point is, it was never the materialistic thing, never about pleasing me, myself and I. It was always about the little things in my life, about how I led my life, about how I was going to make the choices that determined the kind of life I'll have in the future, it was about the small things that amounted. This was how I knew that my friends in church, my leaders, my pastors truly cared for me. It was never because I'm their church mate, but because I am their friend, am their family. I'm quite sure I saw a little of God and His love through them and the things they did for me. People doubt because they cannot see God with their physical eyes, but God placed people in our lives so that we see a little bit of Him through them, if only we opened up our hearts.
The things I learnt in church, from my pastors, my leaders and my peers, from the sermons preached, to just the life skills, I saw a different side of life. Being that emotional wreck I was, I was always dark, sad and self-absorbed. I would have never imagined myself actually having a life. Never imagined getting married and have a marriage that would last. Because I never knew how a perfect family looked, felt and was like. But when I saw my pastors, Pastor How and Pastor Lia, still in deeply love after so many years... I actually felt like I have hope, hope for my life, hope for the lives around mine. From that point onwards, I felt empowered to dream, to live, to be daring.
"From me and my generation onwards, it will be different!" - Pastor How
Many things have happened throughout the past 4 years. I lost people in my life, but I gained so much more. I wasn't worthy, but God chose me. I can't sum up everything in one post, but these past 4 years are the years I would never forget. And I cannot wait for the future :)